We are going to Terra Haute to get his tires and wheels on his mustang. Hopefully everything works out this time. I finally slept in too :) sooo excited.. but I was up late last night.

My neighbors are being loud today… they were up all night up and down the stairs.. so annoying, but I’m a pretty heavy sleeper.

Laundry day… cleaning day… better get started.

I really dont know what to think anymore…

its every little girls dream to grow up, get married and have a family…

but, I suddenly *maybe it’ll pass* dont think I want those things…

I’ve been with my Boyfriend for going on 5 years… November 19th it’ll be 5 years..

but he’s not who I thought he was.. when we moved in together suddenly I became very unhappy in our relationship.. and I feel living together did that to us.

I’ve had a lot of real bad luck in relationships… to the point where I dont even want to look at guys anymore. *not girls either… just not my thing, sorry :P*

recently I’ve found something that I feel like I cant talk to him about that has really really upset me. To where I dont know if its me that needs help.. or him. But I have no way of ‘talking’ about it with him. :/ but this ‘disturbance’ has now got me to where I feel like my ‘protective walls’ have been build sky-high and I just dont want any thing more than for him to be my boyfriend.. .if that kind of. I should be able to talk to him… but I honestly cant. promise. about this issue… its killing me too.

maybe I’m just supposed to be alone. This is just wrong… and I’m quite depressed about the entire thing… I just want to cry and just be left alone… Not like myself at all…

*shrugs* I just have to hold my head high and keep pretending I guess.

?

Things have been really crazy for me lately.. at work, home… just anywhere I go really…. kind of want to blame it on the full moon..I’m really into reading about stuff like ‘how/why things affect people/animals/earth/etc the way it does… but I dont really have much time to do that tonight for the full moon but I’m sure by tomorrow I’ll have soooo much information that I’ll be lost in thought for days… I really wish I had a friend or someone that was into that sort of thing so I could talk with them about it… but, those days are over.

Do you think its funny that I am kind of scared of the full moon? I guess whenever I think about the full moon… I dont think of a happy romantic feeling but more like a darker, dangerous, scary, vampire *not b/c of twighlight, that movie sucked!!!* red Victorian/Renaisaince dress, sexy, wet streets, dark alley sort of thoughts… I’m not even sure if any of that made any sense….? lol.. maybe I’m just crazy.

Either way, I just havent really had much time for posting b/c of this crazy week. I’ve really been feeling depressed lately too … *cough* full moon *cough* but now that I have a source of blame, hopefully I’ll be over it w/in a few days.

This weekend we are going to be heading up to Greenwood for Tuckers and Amandas Birthday and I’m sure its going to be a crazy awesome time. Probably just what I need… this town and these people are just driving me insain!

OH, and Tucker has found another arcade machine online… this one IS a good price and probably will be awesome to work with…. but we still have his Laser Ghost machine… and I’m really not all that fond of having 2 arcade machines in my apt… but, it’s his money on this next one… and we are still selling this one.. basically its at best offer… and any offer I’m willing to convince him into b/c I just want my kitchen back!! *we’ve moved it since this pic and it now sits where my kitchen table should be… * we almost had it traded for an ipod touch *badass* yesterday but the guy couldnt get here to pick it up.. :/ so basically, please help me in finding someone… ANYONE that wants this machine… it runs on 110 power supply/standard outlet and it WORKS! No screen burns… its just too big for my apt, especially with a possible ‘nother arcade machine on the way!!

please, if you hear anything.. email me,

rena_kins@yahoo.com

crim_corn@hotmail.com

irockzsockz@hotmail.com

rena_kins@myspace.com

IM me @

irockzsockz  msn

rena_kins ~yahoo

When I write something…. it is in my heart and mind.
It is a true reflection of what I’m thinking and feeling at the time.
Then and there, what you read is what you get… me!
I am not one to hide. If I feel it, I write it.


I like to focus on the positives.
I like to write about the things in my life that make me happy.
Love, my family, my friends…
things that simply make me smile.
Perhaps they may even make you smile too!


But in saying that, I am human. I have crap in my life just like everyone
else, and although I prefer not to air all my dirty laundry, if I’m upset…
it shows in my words. If something is troubling me or if I’m sad…
I will write it out. If I’m hurting… it will show.
Maybe not always to you but to me…. I’ll know.
Afterall, I write for me and this is my home.


Writing helps me sort things out in my head.
It sorts out the ‘mush’ that may be swirling around in there
and once written… I try and move on. Even reading my own thoughts
simply helps me to acknowledge their presence.
Occasionally I may even have a light-bulb moment!
When I realize something I previously overlooked.
Something within myself, in my own way of thinking.
I write what I am feeling then and there and then…
try to move on. I let it out… it’s that simple.


I’m not one for pity…. and I’m not one to be pandered to.
My boyfriend serves this purpose very well if I need it.
He is my rock in life…. I am so lucky to have him…
complimented by my friends….
you all included.


If you think I’m crazy… then at that moment I probably am!
I’m still young enough to be goofy and stupid! (21 this November)
Hey, even sassy and sexy if I want to be! (even if I look just soo innocent)


So please… if I sound like a lovesick puppy, then I probably am.
If I’m a ranting PMSing lunatic then don’t call in the men
with the white coats just yet…. simply let me be.
If I’m sad or lonely, please don’t judge me. Let me work it out.
If I’m happy and want to share it, smile with me!


I am a complex but complete package,
all tied together with a bow that says
“me”.

So I dont know what was going on with me but I just wasnt in the best of moods. By the end of the day I was certain that I hated everyone at work today… I just couldnt get a moment to myself, even when I tried locking myself in the restroom.. I wasnt in there a min when someone was knocking… LOOKING FOR ME?!?!

Maybe its the full moon tomorrow or the changing of the seasons that has everyone so crazy… including myself. I feel better now being home and having the place to myself… catching up on all of the housework that wasnt done by a certain someone that was off work today… but whats new about that.

I think I’ll nap until he gets back. Today he’s in Greencastle with Uriah doing their arcade thing… I really need to find some girl friends my age *w/no children* to hangout with. Someone that also wants to get in shape would help too… he never wants to help me and I’ve gone WAY down hill since we started living together b/c he never eats anything healthy… that and b/c of our living arrangements in Greenwood… but I wont get into that.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better… God lets hope so at least.

as soon as I say I’m moving on from you.. you want to talk to me…

FML

Too bad you have to be so cocky though… yuck!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’ve been feeling kind of strange today.. I was reading through some older messages and posts on other sites and I cant believe what I’ve let go… if that makes any sence… it has me extremly upset and confused but… I’m ready to push past that… I’ve been doing really well so far, I dont need to put myself back to where I was before..

I guess this doesnt make much sense to anyone.. but I understand it and this is a place for my thoughts so… there you have it lol.

So, here is to moving forward!

Why cant I just be happy in the relationship I’m in? I’m tired of all these weird feelings I have for other guys… I wish it all would just go away. But once again… I guess I have this feeling like I’m loosing him and so I’m ‘moving on’…. strange to explain. I just want us to be happy. :/

Today everything went wrong since our maintanence guy was off.. but I got everything back on track w/o calling him and he was very please when he called me to talk and then he went ahead and visited. … …. :)

I also got big compliments and majorly bragged on by probably one of the hardest persons to impress you will ever meet in your life, so I guess thats cool… :)

well, the bf is waiting for me to get off the computer so he can live in front of it for the night so I guess thats really all I have time to say. :/

well I got a couch today… its pretty actually… just trying to get use to it I guess..

work was crazy today… I was actually asked if the red facet on a sink was hot and if the blue was cold…. yeah, they were totally serious when they asked me too… how sad is that? :) So glad tomorrow is friday. I really need a break from work…

James actually messaged me today… I’m still not sure its a good thing to talk to him. I feel so… Idk. different now. I guess. But things are never going to be like they were, ever again. I know he is going to marry that girl and make her so happy and do anything to do so.. I really wish that I could have loved him.. he was everything I wanted to have but I wasnt ever able to love him. I look at where I am now and who I’m with though and… well… I dont have the chance to really talk about it.

Either way.. I’m off… my neighbors keep honking… like constant… I’m going to see whats going on.